32 times….

This morning my immune system decided to wake me up with a full-fledged allergy attack. I sneezed 32 times in a row. (Read with the sound of Mr. Rooney’s voice from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) 32 times! Then my nose itched so badly I wished I could pull it off my face. Running around without a nose does not sound attractive though. So, I just rubbed and scratched and rubbed some more… for hours.

What causes allergies? A whacked-out immune system. The same whacked-out immune system that makes me swell up and hurt with Rheumatoid Disease. So I think it’s time for a smack down…

“Now listen here immune system, you need to just calm the heck down. You are freaking out over minor things, and you need to stop this instant. I am not going to die from pollen. I know you are trying to keep me safe and healthy, but you are paranoid and delusional. Pollen is a normal part of living on Earth. It makes flowers grow, and then the bees can collect it and make honey. We like honey. Honey has many good, natural antibiotic properties. It’s sweet and tastes great. Tree pollen leads to new trees. Trees create oxygen and clean up carbon monoxide. We like trees. They give the birdies and squirrels a nice spot to live. So stop it with the over-reaction to pollen.

Now, while I have you here, we need to talk about this Rheumatoid Disease junk that you’re involved in. Is this the result of peer pressure? Just because all your friends are doing it doesn’t mean you should too. I mean if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you? Yeah, you probably would. Alright, listen up. This RD stuff is not okay with me. Do you hear me?

Are you even listening to me?

Stop making my knees hurt and listen up. You are grounded until you get yourself under control. I know I have high expectations, but this behavior is just not acceptable. Every little thing is not out to kill me. You don’t have to be so overprotective. Calm down! Maybe you could enroll in a yoga class or do some meditation. I want you to take this time to take a good hard look at what you are doing and all the negative consequences your excessive behavior has created.

I’m glad we had this little talk today. Now go and do better… er, do less… I mean just behave yourself, okay?”

Maybe it needs a therapist? Is it smoking crack? It just never listens…