Today’s post isn’t really about RD… just life.When I was a kid, it became a family joke that my report cards always said, “Lisa likes to socialize. She is not reaching her potential as a student.”
Now, I always got good grades. Maybe not straight A’s, but good grades just the same. I was on honor roll in high school and in college. I wasn’t National Honor Society, but I did just fine. So why did my teachers always write that? I suppose they wanted me to stop talking. But is that a realistic expectation of a smart, outgoing extrovert? I don’t know, but they are words that have haunted my existence.
I went to college, got 2 degrees and was working on a PhD when RD struck me down. I have had bosses as a professional, who I think felt just as those teachers did, “not working up to her potential.” I had a husband for 18 years who definitely had no problem letting me know in very unloving ways that he agreed with those teachers. I have told myself over and over again that I agree with those teachers. Now RD has me mostly home bound and often in my bed or recliner, exhausted most days and doing less than I ever have before. The words still hang there. Am I less than I should be? Will I die never having “reached my potential?”
I am pretty sure many of my friends and family agree with those teachers. They don’t understand the pain, the fatigue, the overwhelm I feel just doing the bit that I do every day. They ask me why I cancel plans, don’t answer the phone, don’t socialize any more. The girl my teachers wanted to stop talking, has finally stopped, but now that isn’t a good thing either. They have been overheard being very critical and judgmental. No job, no real income… so much potential just wasted. Believe me, it isn’t anything I haven’t thought myself.
Who can judge your potential? Only I know what I am capable of. My doctor tells me I push too hard and under-report my pain. My friends say, “Just push yourself a bit.” I go out, sometimes when I know I really shouldn’t (but the wedding was so much fun), and smile through my pain. My friends say “You don’t look sick; you look great.” Thanks but I feel like a bus hit me. Should I just start looking like that? My kids have seen me hit the wall, and melt into a crying, suffering pool of pain. They have seen me sleep 20 hours straight after I push much too hard (but I would do it all again for the bar mitzvah or to visit my Mom). I become very cranky, and probably hard to live with (another area where I have such potential). I pushed myself to work. My boss would say “Do you have to look like you are fighting to drag yourself in here?” Ummm, I am; can’t you just appreciate that? She wanted to fire me, but my professor knew. “I know you,” he said. “I know how hard you fight. I know you must be in so much pain.” That was our last conversation, when I told him I had to stop. Why don’t my family and friends know that? They have known me so much better and longer than he.
I am not feeling sorry for myself. This is the reality I live. It confuses me, as smart as I may be. I do what I can. Sometimes I do much more than I can. You see, in my world, I have been an overachiever. I have done many things, had many jobs, gave all of myself to my marriage. I wanted to be perfect. It took counseling for me to realize I don’t expect that from anyone else, only myself. It sometimes still hurts me when I have to face the fact that I am not now, neither have I ever been, nor will I ever be perfect. I am just me, human and fallible, hurt by the judgment of others, hurt by my own harsh judgment… just me. That’s who I am.
Words have a way of sticking… doesn’t live up to her potential. Even when they may not be true. So use your words gently. Try to be less judgmental, even of yourself. Be kind. Above all, just be kind. You see, that person may fighting demons you know nothing about. Putting on a smile because that’s all they know how to do.
